The new Brisingr
by Zenxxa
Summary: Not for everyone! I have made this with a dear friend. We got bored so we made an Eragon/Brisingr parody fanfiction thing. Do not read if you actually liked the book or if you have no sense of humour.


Bitchsinger

Bitchsinger

After learning of his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover's plight what with Kiss-ass in danger and whatnot Shitegon must AGAIN save someone completey and utterly unimportant. While hiding in the brush with his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover, Shitegon must open a very deep emotional wound.

"Shitegon, my stupid, stupid relative/lover, how do you feel now that Shittium is dead?" Shitegon's Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover asks.

"What and inconsiderate and utterly dumb thing to ask me! How dare you? And to think that I had special experiances with you!" Shitegon yelled to hide the deeeeeep pain in his loins for Shittium. "…to be honest my dear Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover I am deeply sad. I now have no one to for which to get rid of my sexual urges. How do you think that feels, huh? I have tried to get Shitios into bed but that isn't going too well."

"Shitegon, your loins are not my concern. I need to focus on Kiss-ass. If I don't find a way to make you save her and keep myself from doing any manual labour the tax man will come after me. He doesn't know I'm gay as all get out. He thinks Kiss-ass and I are deeply in love so I get a great tax break! What if he finds out?? I'll go from paying 2 shitdollars a year to 4!! 4 I tell you!! That's insane!"

"My God! 4 shitdollars that's crazy! He ought to killed!"

"I know it's blasphemy!"

At this point Shithera makes a point to fart conspicuosly loud.

Shitegon then decides to actually focus. "Hrmmmm. Dear Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover we need to go forward with saving Kiss-ass pretty soon here. Now's as good a time as any."

"NO! For goodness sakes before we go through with this I simply MUST know why you think Shitios could possibly do anything for you and your friends below! Are you guys having fun? He doesn't seem like the quilified type."

"For heaven's sakes you moron, Shitos does NOTHING for me! He is by far the most inexperianced, unlovable, undoable, un-everything I have ever known! I wouldn't let him even LOOK at my friends below, let alone do anything for them! YOU ARE A MORON!! BLOODY HELL I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR SHITIOS!!"

"Don't find him attractive my ass. You are sooooooooo into him! I mean not a day goes by when you don't linger on his groin, or have some kind of perverse sexual innuendo when you say anything about him. For heaven's sake embrace your feelings. You're gay it's what you ought to do."

Shithera found this amusing so she let out a good laugh. Shitegon of course was not amused by this. He took it upon himself to make a scene of yelling and throwing a good gay little tantrum. And by gay I mean homosexual to be clear.

"Besides Shitios is almost 100 years old!"

"Yeah right, Shitegon. That's a load of bull crap. He's totally only like 20-something. I can tell by his skin and his flawless body. Besides age never seemed to be a problem for you and Shittium. He was like what…80 or something."

To this Shitegon had no response except for, "He was 60 not 80 you moronic dumbass."

"Do you wanna get it on with Shitios or not? And don't call me names. We aren't lovers anymore and I don't appreciate the dirty talk."

Shithera took this opportunity to make a strange, dirty comment along the lines of "If you get with Shitios I better get a piece of him. I couldn't stand to think you might have that kind of fun without me."

Shitegon was stunned. Shithera needed to calm down, and find someone the same species to lust after.

"C'mon Shitegon answer me! Don't pay any attention to Little Miss Isn't Getting' Any."

"OKAY!! I find Shitios attractive. I like him. If he came here now and asked me to do him I'd say hell yeah. I get fuzzy feelings when I think about him. I'm crazy about him!"

At this Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover stopped. He was satisfied with this answer. "Let's get some shut eye," was all he said…

The next day….about 7 Shithours later…

Shitegon, Shithera, and Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover set off to rescue the unimportant tax evasion tool of a person Kiss-ass.

They all load up on Shithera's back and head out to a dark, dank cavey thingy that is controlled by ugly ogre thingys. They travel in packs you know. (Speaking of packs Jena has one. In fact she has a really big one. GIGANTIC acutally. Kind of like her boobs. I guess they aren't really boobs, they're more like a really big bra filled with cotton balls….) Anyway, Shitegon and his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover arrive to the cavey thingy. They enter without a second thought and leave Shithera to guard the entrance, because no one will ever spot the giant Shit blue dragon at the mouth of a creepy cavey thingy. Nope, totally sneaky.

Shitegon and his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover get about 6 feet into the cavey thingy and are then suddenly and conviently attacked by evil ogre thingys. How convient to our plot and the action of the story, right? Anyway, even though Shitegon and his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover are completey unarmed and weak they easily defeat the ogre things. How else would we continue this lovely story if they didn't?

They, of course, being morons leave one ogre thingy alive. Who will of course cause havoc for them in the future. They're unaware of this though so shhhhhhhhh. Don't ruin it for them.

Shitegon of course finds Kiss-asses cell very easily. He opens it without any problem at all and he saves Kiss-ass!! Yeay!! It's over!! NO IT"S NOT!! HA HA HA HA !!

Kiss-ass is verrrrrrrrrrrrrry unappreciative. She starts yammering on about how they should've left her in the cell and how she loved one of the evil orge thingys that kept her "busy" in her cell. And by busy I think you know what I mean. If you don't then you should get out of your mom's basement.

After they bind and gag Kiss-ass to get her to shut up, they return to the surface. However, for story purposes Shitegon decides that he MUST go back into the cavey thingy. Shithera says "HELL NO!!" but Shitegon ignores this advice and goes in anyway.

Remember the one evil ogre thingy they left alive during their first trip? WELL he's making a cameo appearance now!

Shitegon gets to the very bottom of the cavey thingy and he runs into the ogre thingy. They talk for a good 20 shitminutes. The ogre threatens Shitegon and tells him that he better not kill him. Shitegon kills him since he can't listen to reason. He then discovers a blind crazy fool who insists his name is Kimbo Slice and that he DID win in the WWE's ultimate fighting battle. For simplitictys sake we'll call him Slut. Slut is carried to the surface by Shitegon.

They set out to the elven village of Shittttttttttty. They are frolicking along just generally being homosexual morons when they realize they're being followed. "OH NO!!" They both say. Of course after this their followers stop. Because that's just how life is. People stalk you then run away. Anyway, Shitegon makes camp with Slut. They talk for a good long time.

Slut tells Shitegon that he should take this magical Staff thingy to Shittttttttty. Shitegon agrees because he is completely unaware that it is rude and evil to leave blind crazy people alone in the wilderness.

Shitegon arrives to Shittttttttty and he spots Shitios. Cue the cheezy Cher love song please. Ohhhhhhh I still believe in llllooooooove…..ohhhhhhhh. Anyway, Shitios is incredibly concerned for Shitegon. In fact he almost insists for his father to stop screwing him long enough for him to tell him that. But naturally, Shitios is unable to stop his incestous father from giving him a rough ride, so Shitegon is unaware of Shitios' concerns. Plus he's kinda creeped out by the whole father/son thing.

Anyway, Shitegon of course leaves Shittttttttty and Shitios takes time out of his very busy blow job schedule to chase after him.

Shitos finds Shitegon a couple of shithours later hiding very stupidly under a pebble.

"What are you doing? Moron."

"I'm hiding Shitos!! There are evil scary pawn people after me from Gasafuckix!"

"Yeah. Great. They won't notice a moron like you hiding under a rock."

Shitos and Shitegon head back to Shittttttty since Shitegon has no idea why he ever left in the first place.

On the way they stay at a human motel thingy. They have a lovely little chat. Shitegon reveals his feelings. Shitios doesn't give a damn. They leave during the middle of the night, because why would you ever leave in the morning, right? And they return to Shittttttttttttty very very quickly.

Once they return they are greeted with lots of love, care and meaningless sex. They have plenty of the meaningless sex. I mean PLENTY.

Anyway, they are immmediatly and conviently attacked by Porn and Dandruff Boy!! drumroll Cool huh? Weeeeeeeeeee….

Porn and Dandruff Boy atttempt to use their homosexual powers to convice Shitegon to go over to Gasafuckix. Anyone else notice the similarity to Star Wars? I mean really can I get a GasafuckixDarth Vader anybody?

When that doesn't work, Dandruff Boy tries to use force. This doesn't work either because Shitegon is weak, but Dandruff Boy is weak and girly. You can see the problem.

Shitegon then takes this opportunity to tell Dandruff Boy that he has discovered a way to get him out from his duties as Gasafuckix's sex slave/servant/warrior person.

"If you act like a good little boy rather than a desperate misunderstood gay moron you can get away from him Dandruff Boy!! Really, you can!! Just think about bon-bon's and unicorns!!"

During this intermission of pointless blabbering Porn takes it upon himself to bother/molest Shithera. Shithera is not amused. She finds Porn repulsive and ugly. But she pities him so gives him one good time with her and tells him that they need to just be friends.

Now both Porn and Dandruff Boy are pissed like a menopausal woman in a room with Pamela Anderson and her husband, so they leave.

After this Shitegon sulks for a few days. He actually screws a few women!! That's how sad he is.

He recovers of course when his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover arrives with his new FIONCE Kiss-ass! How convienent!

Shitegon acts as priest and marries the two dumbasses! Then (more surprises) Kiss-ass announces she's preggers! They have octuplets on the way! How great, right? I guess Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover wasn't that gay after all! Maybe he drives his car down the middle of the road! (meaning he leans both ways people…kind of like Jena…I'm sure she's had plenty of fun with Karen at some point or another…)

At this point Shitegon gives his Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover a horse and leaves the Fucktin to return to Shittttttttty with Shitios.

Once he arrives Shitegon instinctivly knows to visit Fuckamose and Bastadar. He gets there and he and Fuckamose have a lovely conversation.

It's a long boring conversation so I've condensed it to make it easier for all of us:

+ Dandruff Boy is Shitegons Half-Brother

+Shitegons mom was a bit of a whore

+Shitegon has had sex with his daddy

+Shittium is Shitegons father

+Shitegon becomes very distressed

That's how it went really….

Shitegon storms out in a crazy gay rage. He can't stop screaming "I screwed my father!!" Of course no one found this odd since screwing your father is quite common in Shitttttttty.

Once Shitegon has calmed down a bit he returns to Fuckomose and they begin to talk about Gasafuckix.

From their conversation Shitegon manages to use his brain a little bit to figure out that:

+ the only reason that Dandruff Boy and Porn are powerful is because Porn has eaten another dragons heart and that's why he's so big and imposing and whatnot.

Meanwhile, Dandruff Boy is being beaten with a really big stick. A real stick. By stick I do NOT mean a dick.

Anyway, convient time skip here people. A few hours later Porn and Dandruff Boy come to Shittttttttty and start being random and acting people. Shitegon will not put up with this incredibly stupid act of violence, and neither will Fuckomose. So they ride their dragons out to battle!! WOHOOOO!! BATTLE SCENE!!

Fuckomose is a shitty fighter. He manages to have Bastadar chew the small formation Porn calls his balls off and chew a couple centimetres of his tail off but that's about it. Fuckamose is then stabbed to death by Dandruff Boy and of course this means Bastadar is a goner too. What a shame. They were so useless yet somehow interesting.

Once they disitegrate into thin air magically, all that is left is a spooky talking heart thingy. It speaks to Shithera and Shitegon and informs them that if you eat it you get SUPA POWAH!! WOOOHOOOO!! We get to go all Super-Saiyan on everyone.

Shithera eats the heart thingy promptly and gets her SUPA POWAH. She then helps Shitegon beat up Dandruff Boy and Porn until they are pretty much nothing but bloody pulp.

They flee of course. God forbid we kill them already.

Afterwards Shitios tells Shitegon that they are going to go after Gasafuckix and beat the living shit out of him.

Shitegon agrees because he is a moron and they leave to battle him. No army, no nothing, just them and their general gay-ness and stupidity.

What a marvelous thing to do.

**What kind of stupid dumbass things will they do next? Will the last eggy thing hatch? Will they win against Gasafuckix, or will he beat the living shit out of them? Will Shitios ever accept Shitegon? I mean really, just get it ON already. I need a sex scene here pretty soon!! Will Porn recover from his unfortunate castration? Will he ever feel like a real man again? And what about Kiss-ass and Cousin/Brother/Homosexual Lover? What ever happened to them and their 8 children? HUH??**

**All will be revealed in our final book!! You'll never imagine all the shit they'll manage to get themselves into. **

**Coming Soon, hopefully before I'm old enough to drive and drink alcohol. BUT NEVER AT THE SAME TIME!! We're just responsible like that.**

**Final Book Title to be: …..we have no idea at this point….**

**Book title will obviously be changed, if you couldn't figure that out Shitegon is smarter than you.**




End file.
